You do not need a shouting match to lose influence. Sometimes it is a a label (like “intense”). A question about your readiness (and no one else’s).
Let me paint a picture.
You are in a meeting. You make a clear, data backed recommendation. Silence. Then someone repeats your point five minutes later and suddenly it is brilliant!
Or you’re described as “intense” for being direct, while your male colleague is “decisive.”
No one shouted. No one insulted you outright. Yet something shifted in the room. And you felt it. That is the terrain of microaggressions. Small cuts, rarely dramatic, often deniable.
The phrase was first introduced by Chester M. Pierce and later researched extensively by Derald Wing Sue.
Microaggressions are subtle behaviours or comments that communicate bias or diminished status, often unconsciously. They are like paper cuts. One is irritating. A hundred change how you use your hands.
Why this matters more than we admit
In leadership spaces, perception is currency. Influence flows to the person who appears steady, credible, and authoritative. When subtle slights question your capability, tone or readiness, they chip at that perception. And here is the danger. The real damage is not always the comment. It is the internal spiral after.
Should I have said that differently? Was I too strong? Am I overreacting?
You start editing yourself mid sentence. Research highlighted in Harvard Business Review consistently shows that high performing teams depend on psychological safety
📍THE THIRD COMMUNICATION UPGRADE
Learning how to decipher what just happened will allow you to respond appropriately – if at all.
Step 1: Separate Facts from Fiction
- Fact. “You are surprisingly articulate.”
- Story. They think I am not normally intelligent.
Now ask: Is this a one-off comment or part of a pattern? Patterns matter because they reveal bias. Isolated awkwardness might reveal ignorance which is easier to forgive and correct.
Then ask yourself one honest question. What outcome do I want here? Vindication or influence? That question alone changes your tone.
Step 2: Respond without losing your leadership edge
Think of these moments like stepping onto a narrow balance beam. On one side is silence. On the other is explosion. Leadership walks the middle ground.
- Clarify without accusation
“You said I seem intense. Can you tell me which part of my delivery felt that way?” Notice what this does. It moves the conversation from a label to behaviour. Most labels crumble under scrutiny.
- Name impact calmly
“When you asked if I was ready for the role, it landed as though you were questioning my preparation. I want to be sure we are evaluating based on performance.” You did not attack. You did not shrink. You named the effect and returned to standards.
- Redirect to substance
“I’d like us to focus on the metrics behind the proposal. Here is what the data shows.” You are not fighting personality commentary. You are steering back to competence.
- Set a boundary with composure
“I welcome direct feedback. I prefer it to be specific and tied to the work.” Calmly state your boundaries to increase respect. Remember, volume is not authority, regulation is.
The deeper work
Microaggressions often tap into old narratives – Am I too much; not enough; too visible; not ready?
If you have done no internal work, you will either swallow the moment or scorch the earth but strong communicators rehearse language for difficult moments. Not because they are combative, but because they value composure. They practice saying hard things in steady tones. They build the muscle before they need it.
You cannot control every comment. You can control how you carry yourself when it happens.
And here is what I know to be true. When you respond with emotional intelligence instead of ego, people notice. When you stay steady instead of defensive, rooms recalibrate.
If you’re a woman who is ready to own the room and demonstrate your competence and leadership join our She Speaks Workshop on March 28, 2026!
We’re open for registration and you’re the first to have access to our early bird prices. Bring your bestie, share with your HR team at work, gift a seat to a woman you want to help find and use her voice.
Until next week,
✨ Stay rooted. Stay conscious. Speak up!
Krystal Tomlinson Carter has over a decade of experience helping people find the words to manage relationships, resolve conflict and overcome the fear of public speaking. She is a Communication Coach and Self Management Strategist helping individuals and teams communicate with clarity, lead with emotional intelligence and execute with excellence. She holds Certification from UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Centre in the Science of Happiness and works passionately to help improve workplace wellness and personal productivity. For public speaking trainings, self-management workshops and speaker bookings, please email flourish@thesuccessfarm.com